So Over Perfect

I overthink...everything!  I am constantly plagued by the need to please because I fear I will let EVERYONE down because I hold myself to such a high standard of perfection.  I will let my family down, I will let my friends down, I will let myself down...I have no hope of ever living up to my own standard.  I overthink everything you say, and apply it to myself and our relationship (or lack of) because I must be perfect and therefore you will like me...  More than that, I put the blame on myself for everything that goes wrong.

I must say, in this mindset, I am never happy.  Stolen joy in spades!  What kind of way is that to live a life?

Do you ever feel this way?

I know what you're thinking, "No, I don't feel this way, what kind of self centered person believes she is the center of the world."  I assure you, I do not think nearly so highly of myself.  Then again, maybe some of you can relate...and on some level I hope you can, (partly because that means I'm not alone in this) because I have a beautiful truth to share with you...one that, when I allow myself to truly consider it, always reshapes my thinking.

First, no one is perfect, nor can anyone BE perfect.  Why?  Because we all sin.  We all fall short of the glory of God!  Why should that matter?  Because He, in fact, IS perfect.  Jesus (God in the flesh) left the glory and perfection of Heaven to live a SINLESS life in a drastically imperfect world.  Jesus is perfect, I am not.  We can live yielded to God's commands and so become like Christ in many ways, but our very nature is to sin...to fall short...to fail. Which leads me to the next hurdle...

I will fail!  That is a fact of life.  Disappointments happen.  I will let you down just as you will let me down.  Fact. Of. Life.  My greatest fear is that these mistakes will cause me to be tossed aside and rejected.  But this is not God's response.  God uses our mistakes to teach us and others about his grace and mercy, His goodness and love.  In our weakness, He is made strong!  Why should this matter...?  Because Jesus (God in flesh) died on the cross to take the burden of your sins and mine (past, present, and future) on HIMSELF so that we would no longer be required to pay the penalty of imperfection!  So that we can live in the light of HIS perfection as our own!  And, so the we too can extend grace and mercy, goodness and love to those around us when they fail.  What sweet truth!!!

Lastly, we have no guarantees that anyone will like us...in fact, the bible tells us that we will be hated because of Christ!  And, if we are living yielded to Christ, His light shines through us, and THAT is what people ultimately are attracted to...and it's not something we need to try to make happen.  God does it.  Isn't that so freeing?  Not only can I not be perfect, not only will I always mess up, but I don't have to impress you because God the father (and by extension, everyone else) sees Jesus when He looks at me!  Did you catch that part?  If you've yielded your life to Jesus, it applies to you too!  WHEN GOD LOOKS AT YOU HE SEES HIS SON!!! He sees Jesus.  He sees the cross.  He sees the wounds Christ bore for you SO THAT you and I wouldn't have to strive for perfection but rather remain yielded...remain behind Jesus in the eyes of the Father.

So, there.  No overthinking that...straight forward truth.  I am not the center, Jesus is.  Oh how I pray I will remain yielded to Him and so save myself from the dire pit of perfection that is dug by Satan himself!  Lord, remind me in times of self doubt that only Jesus is perfect, and the only way I can be successful is to hide myself in Him!  I pray the same for you!

When God Speaks with Silence

Have you ever sat in the quiet, Bible in your lap, pen in your hand, journal ready...waiting...waiting to hear that "still small voice."  Waiting for God to speak some life-explaining truth into your weary and ready spirit?  Only to find that all you hear is the quiet stillness of the room?  Yeah.  Been there.  It can be discouraging, disappointing, disheartening, and every other "dis"-ing you can think of...  It may feel like through His silence God is saying "No" to your inner desires, and maybe He is; or, maybe the silence is an invitation to wait, perhaps an encouragement to continue doing what you're doing.  In any case, God's silence does not mean He is not speaking.  Take, for example, that friend or family member who can say a whole lot without ever opening their mouth... I think God responds this way sometimes too.

I've spent the past few years running the other direction from "some of" God (thinking I could compartmentalize God and keep the commands I liked, and explain away or discard the ones I didn't)...I knew my plan for my life could never be better than His...but He was just taking too darn long!  So, I took it upon myself to make my life happen...and it was working out "just fine" (when I lied to myself about it).  I knew...could FEEL that I was headed in the wrong direction with my choices...and friends and family told me as much...that I was changing.  Did I listen?  Do we ever when we think we know best?

Of course, things fell apart...a few times.  I cried...a lot.  I picked up the pieces of the glass castle I had built and I rebuilt it...each rebuilding shakier than the last.  I refused to look at the glaringly negative toxicness of my choices and the blatant corrective consequences God blessed me with.  Each castle-shattering breakdown sent me deeper into my own efforts and further from God.  I had twisted what I knew to be true of God into some ugly-pseudo-half-truths that fit my needs and I told myself I was content.  Reality was only clear in the aftermath of each time things fell apart when I would be granted a moment of clarity.  Each time clarity stayed a little longer (a few hours, a day, a week, a month) but I ran back into the ruble to rebuild each time, and it became comfortable.  The lies I was believing became my comfort.

God's silence helped me break free.

Before all my selfish efforts my relationship with God was maturing.  I would listen and He would speak.  My spirit rarely felt his silence.  It was when I stopped "hearing" his still small voice that I realized I was running my own show, and something needed to break the cycle.

Now, I look back over the past few years and see so clearly that I was running hard after SATAN's plan for my life (thinking it was God-approved).  It wasn't even what I wanted, yet I was chasing it all so hard.  I was believing the devil's lie that what I wanted in MY timing was right... I wasn't purposefully running from God, I was running TO Satan and losing the depth of my relationship with God in the process.  In God's silence He made me stop and really look.  What I saw was that Satan was battling so hard for my affections because he feared something I didn't recognize in myself...He knew (and is right to fear) that I have a calling on my life and that God will use me for His glory.  In that moment, in God's silence...when I stopped to quiet my own voice and truly LISTEN and WAIT for His, He healed my heart's blindness and I saw my choices for what they were...and my glass castle shattered for good this time...allowing me the space to yield to God so He could clear my efforts and rebuild something that would last on His foundation.

God's silence speaks volumes.  It can be painful and hard, but He will never leave or forsake you.  He is ALWAYS at your side, and He will be there to help you rebuild.  Trust Him.  His plan and His timing truly are best...sometimes we can't see that until we really let go of the idols we hold so dearly.  God's silence gives us pause to reflect and, if we need to, redirect our efforts.  To put Him at the center once more and clear away everything we have made in our own strength.

Easter

It's been a long time.  Two years almost since my last post, and for all this time there has been this persistent gnawing in the back of my mind...drawing me back...pulling me back...insisting that I have too long neglected my voice (however small its reach).  So, here we are.  Blank screen, blinking cursor, fingers to the keys...and a still small voice my heart and mind hush to hear.

Easter.

Yesterday was Good Friday.  Christ murdered.  Hung on a tree.  Bleeding and broken because of, in payment for our sin...MY sin...your sin.  All laid bare...so putrid and vile and disgusting that the Father turns His face away from His perfect sinless Son because He can no longer bear to look at the blemish, the defilement OUR sins have caused.  Jesus took it willingly.  Painfully.  So WE don't have to.

Silence.

Today...Saturday...nothing.  Nothing but the weeping, wailing, cries of mourning for the Savior who was supposed to win not die!  How could He!?  Where was the Savior NOW???  A people filled with sorrow, regret, bewilderment, unease...

...But God...

Sunday.  The stone is rolled away!  The Tomb Is Empty!  HE IS RISEN!  HE LIVES!!  HALLELUJAH!!!  Jesus is victorious!  He has done what He said he would do.  And now, our sin is washed away and no longer taints the view God has of us because He now views us through the lens of Jesus who was our sacrifice, our death, our price, our resurrection, out LIFE!  What wonderful news to spread through out the world!  Praise God He loves us enough to pursue us even to the cross...even through the pain of our every day...even through the struggles of our past and the trials yet to come.  Once we say yes to Jesus, He follows us through all of it...even when we run the other direction.  He is always right there with us to welcome us into open arms when we are ready to once again surrender to His will and purpose for our lives.

That, my friends, is what Easter means to me.  A beginning.  A renewal.  Life everlasting!  I took a wrong turn...Jesus was there the whole time...protecting me...guiding me even when I didn't want Him to.  Always right there with me, waiting for the moment I would stop trying to make it happen my way and allow Him to have reign over my life once more.  Easter begs us to remember who we are IN CHRIST.  Easter reminds us of our WORTH!  

Happy Easter!

A Fickle Lover

It's amazing to me how God knows just how to speak right into my heart...when I am not looking, listening, learning, or leaning on Him for anything...He's there, reminding me of His presence, in a way I never could have imagined.

When I find myself running 100mph in the opposite direction, He allows a situation or encounter or relationship to show me HIS place in my heart.  And, it's here...when I finally stop my running and turn back to Him...that I find He is only ONE step behind me.  Waiting for me.  Watching for me.  Willing for me to return to His arms.  He doesn't make me journey back to Him... He doesn't make me work for His forgiveness or grace or mercy...He's just right there...holding it all out to me SO freely!  And I don't deserve it!  And He doesn't care...His love is SO obsessively purely transparently perfect.

And all this hits me right between the eyes while walking the other day.  Of course.  I had forgotten how sweet it is to take a walk alone...with my savior...with myself.  He speaks so freely in the quiet clamor of His creation.  And it's profound.

So what is this profound truth?  I am a fickle lover to my Christ.  I meet with Him once (maybe twice) a week for our weekly date.  We spend uninterrupted, intimate time together...and I don't call Him the rest of the week.  I continue on with my "busy" schedule and even when I have time with nothing to do, I fill it with facebook...or reading...or family...or, let's be honest, sleeping.  Don't get me wrong, NONE of these things are BAD things! *in moderation in some cases -cough-facebook-cough*  BUT, the point is, NONE of them should come before Christ (or between me and Christ).  The savior of my soul who freely and willingly gives me all His love and grace and peace and joy...and I could go on and on and on...  But Culture says it's not acceptable to be a one-God-woman.  "Play the field," Culture says.  "Take risks," Culture says.  "Make mistakes," Culture says.  "You'll never know until you try," Culture says.  "I have needs," Culture says.  "I could make you change your mind," Culture says.

And we do.

We do everything Culture asks of us because Culture feels good.  Because Culture sounds good.  Because Culture looks good.  Because we don't want to see any of it go away...

Here's the kicker friends, we may be fickle lovers, but God is loyal, trustworthy, and true!  Most of all, for our fickle ways, He is unconditionally forgiving.  *That's unCODITIONal not inCONSEQUENTial...there will be consequences for our deliberate disobedience*  But we are forgiven.  We are welcomed back.  We are given a second chance...and a third...and a fourth...and a tenth...and a millionth if that's what it takes.  The truth of Christ is this, He died to save you...to have you in His family...to have you by His side for eternity.  Nothing ever can separate!

Now...I know that I will return to my fickle, distracted, discontented, Culture seeking ways...it's in my nature...but I will try to resist, and my effort will not go unnoticed.  And sometimes I will come out ahead.

But here's the point.  Stop meeting with God for your intimate once a week date and forgetting about Him for the rest of the week...because, let's face it, we all know how this feels...  He wants to hear from you regularly...every day!  Every moment if you want!  You can not contact Him too much!  You will not bother Him.  He will drop everything and listen and RESPOND to your every prayer!  He is THAT in LOVE with YOU!

Change is Pricey

blank page
blinking cursor
birdsong out the open window.

pieces of thoughts like
popcorn popping
puzzled just won't fit together.

wordless ideas
windblown papers
what are we trying to say?

twelve disciples
tattered linen
tears shed for a fallen teacher.

saving grace
something changes
sights and sounds in joyful chorus

champion of death
Christ now lives!
character... influence... reason...

broken once, now
bound in Christ
breathless awe at this changed life.



When I opened this empty blog page this morning, I had so many rabbit trails of ideas and thoughts none of them seemed to fit together.  No direction. No intention.  Just the need to put it all down.  When writing papers and essays in school, I always seemed to do my best work sitting in front of a blank screen (or page)...that first word was all it took.  So, here's this poem.  God amazes me as he works even through this...guiding my thoughts so that the finished lines speak to me in a way I never thought they could.
Change is what has been most boldly in my mind.  There are many things I desire to change within myself, both mentally and physically.  And, I wonder, is it true that

 ...people never really change?

I don't think so.  Look at Christ's disciples!  Each one of them became a changed life!  Every person who is made new in Christ becomes a changed life!  Change is possible. It's difficult, but possible.  Christ can do it, and it can be all at once and easier than I once believed.

I always looked at change as something very difficult.  I thought in order to change I had to give up something...and, through the difficulty of abstaining, I had to add something completely different and make it an instant habit.  Christ has shown me that this is not the case.  Change comes through substitution.  Christ died on the cross as a substitution for me, changing how God the father looks at me (as one cleansed, no longer stained by sin)...and now I am welcomed as one of His own.  With that in mind, change is never free.

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Application, what good will I substitute for the not so good in my life today?

Breaking Down Walls

A wall is not built by one brick...a doubt is not formed by one question...a life is not lived by one moment...a change is not reached by one choice, it takes many.  In our culture of "I want it now" littered with fast food, instant messaging, direct deposit, and live TV (to name only a few) we can easily forget how things...all things, must work together...and DO work together, build on each other, need one another (whether we want them to or not).  Each moment of an individual life becomes interwoven with every other moment and effects how past is perceived and how future is approached.  Not only that, but in the amazing way God has created our minds we are able to relate one unrelated moment with another and find a common thread.  A message, if you will, of learning directed specifically at the individual.  We see this when a conversation, television show, song on the radio, and sermon all seem to "speak" the same message into our lives in a short period of time.  It is these learnings we share with others.  We talk about "how weird is this?"...  I believe it's God's way of saying "Listen up!  I have a plan for you!"

The church sermon today was on the Second Coming of Jesus, Sunday school before church was about how we know the Bible is trustworthy, and yesterday I had a conversation with my family about Satan's desire to stop us in our tracks by building up a wall and blocking out the light.  Through these individual moments, the Holy Spirit spoke truth into my life in a way that said, "Listen up!  I have a plan for you!" When God speaks this way, we simply can not keep it to ourselves, so I'd like to share the common thread with you: DOUBT.

How often do we doubt?  We may doubt a commercial, or a story told to us by a friend.  We may doubt the stability of a structure, or the validity of the weather man.  Whatever doubts you're faced with on a day to day, the one we all have in common is doubt in our faith...doubt in God.  We are all presented with opportunities to doubt God.  This is Satan's life's work!  His desire is to cause us to doubt God's truth and turn away!  Let's look at it this way, we are all walking our own tunnel and there is light at the end...suddenly, we smack into a brick wall-stopping us in our tracks and blocking out the light.  On the wall is written a question.  Satan's way of weaseling into your thoughts with a question (which may be based in fact) laced with the slightest hint of a lie.  And what do we do?  It's dark...the light is hidden.  It's cold...the light's warmth is blocked.  We panic.  We doubt.  We fear.  We begin to wonder if that question written on the brick wall is valid...we begin to question God...we begin to believe Satan.

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That's the ugly truth of it...if you're NOT believing God, you ARE believing Satan...and he is winning a battle (within your heart) that he has already LOST!!!  Did you hear that?  Satan is trying to take back a victory that is not his.  Christ WON the battle on the cross and Satan is pissed!  He will do EVERYTHING in his power to hide the victor's banner from your sight.  BUT...there is hope!  If you have the Holy Spirit, you have the power to tell Satan to flee from your sight and that brick wall will flee with him and take all doubt with it!  What beautiful fantastic hope!

Are you up against a wall?  Are you having trouble seeing and feeling the light?  Rely on the power of the Spirit and tell Satan, "Get behind me!  You have NO place here!"  Break through that wall and keep moving forward!  Don't be surprised when another wall appears, but don't give in!  A brick wall can only stop you for as long as it takes you to blast it down!  Some walls will take some work, one brick at a time, but allow God to work alongside you as he changes and shapes your character into His likeness.  Learn from it and move on.

Renewal

What do you think of with the coming of a new year?  Do you worry for things on the horizon?  Do you look back at what was left undone...what you could have done better?  Do you set goals for a "harder, better, faster, stronger" future?  What words come to mind?  Many of us resolve to revise, renew, reclaim, rework, reimagine, or even remake our lives in some way.  Well, I am one of these people...this blog has been a blessing in so many ways to many people and God has convicted me to revisit what He is doing here with the blog and with me.  A heart in Christ is a heart under construction.  It takes constant reworking, refining and renewing to remake a human heart into a Christ-like heart.

Renewal is not a new concept.  Each new season leads to the renewal of spring.  Each rain brings a revival of life.  Each trial we face brings reforming in our hearts, minds, and lives as Christ refines us from the inside out to make us more like Him.  Isaiah reminds us,

"You became weary on your many journeys, but you did not say, “I give up!” You found a renewal of your strength; therefore you did not grow weak." Isaiah 57:9-11

Refining can be wearisome...it is not easy to allow God's hand to remold our character...and if we allow ourselves to give up, do stay weary, to try to do it all on our own, WE WILL FAIL.  BUT, if we do not give up, if we look to God to renew our strength and lean on Him to help us through the reshaping process, we will come out on the other side renewed in deeper relationship with Christ and closer to the person He desires for us to be.

So, at the arrival of this new year, I'm prayerfully looking back on what God has done in my life in the past year and rethinking how I can partner with Him in what He is doing this year. In partnership with Christ, this blog will change from it's current form, and, hopefully become something honoring and glorifying to God.  Something that encourages and strengthens my renewal and, I hope, becomes something encouraging to you as well.

"Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God." Romans 12:1-3