So Over Perfect

I overthink...everything!  I am constantly plagued by the need to please because I fear I will let EVERYONE down because I hold myself to such a high standard of perfection.  I will let my family down, I will let my friends down, I will let myself down...I have no hope of ever living up to my own standard.  I overthink everything you say, and apply it to myself and our relationship (or lack of) because I must be perfect and therefore you will like me...  More than that, I put the blame on myself for everything that goes wrong.

I must say, in this mindset, I am never happy.  Stolen joy in spades!  What kind of way is that to live a life?

Do you ever feel this way?

I know what you're thinking, "No, I don't feel this way, what kind of self centered person believes she is the center of the world."  I assure you, I do not think nearly so highly of myself.  Then again, maybe some of you can relate...and on some level I hope you can, (partly because that means I'm not alone in this) because I have a beautiful truth to share with you...one that, when I allow myself to truly consider it, always reshapes my thinking.

First, no one is perfect, nor can anyone BE perfect.  Why?  Because we all sin.  We all fall short of the glory of God!  Why should that matter?  Because He, in fact, IS perfect.  Jesus (God in the flesh) left the glory and perfection of Heaven to live a SINLESS life in a drastically imperfect world.  Jesus is perfect, I am not.  We can live yielded to God's commands and so become like Christ in many ways, but our very nature is to sin...to fall short...to fail. Which leads me to the next hurdle...

I will fail!  That is a fact of life.  Disappointments happen.  I will let you down just as you will let me down.  Fact. Of. Life.  My greatest fear is that these mistakes will cause me to be tossed aside and rejected.  But this is not God's response.  God uses our mistakes to teach us and others about his grace and mercy, His goodness and love.  In our weakness, He is made strong!  Why should this matter...?  Because Jesus (God in flesh) died on the cross to take the burden of your sins and mine (past, present, and future) on HIMSELF so that we would no longer be required to pay the penalty of imperfection!  So that we can live in the light of HIS perfection as our own!  And, so the we too can extend grace and mercy, goodness and love to those around us when they fail.  What sweet truth!!!

Lastly, we have no guarantees that anyone will like us...in fact, the bible tells us that we will be hated because of Christ!  And, if we are living yielded to Christ, His light shines through us, and THAT is what people ultimately are attracted to...and it's not something we need to try to make happen.  God does it.  Isn't that so freeing?  Not only can I not be perfect, not only will I always mess up, but I don't have to impress you because God the father (and by extension, everyone else) sees Jesus when He looks at me!  Did you catch that part?  If you've yielded your life to Jesus, it applies to you too!  WHEN GOD LOOKS AT YOU HE SEES HIS SON!!! He sees Jesus.  He sees the cross.  He sees the wounds Christ bore for you SO THAT you and I wouldn't have to strive for perfection but rather remain yielded...remain behind Jesus in the eyes of the Father.

So, there.  No overthinking that...straight forward truth.  I am not the center, Jesus is.  Oh how I pray I will remain yielded to Him and so save myself from the dire pit of perfection that is dug by Satan himself!  Lord, remind me in times of self doubt that only Jesus is perfect, and the only way I can be successful is to hide myself in Him!  I pray the same for you!

When God Speaks with Silence

Have you ever sat in the quiet, Bible in your lap, pen in your hand, journal ready...waiting...waiting to hear that "still small voice."  Waiting for God to speak some life-explaining truth into your weary and ready spirit?  Only to find that all you hear is the quiet stillness of the room?  Yeah.  Been there.  It can be discouraging, disappointing, disheartening, and every other "dis"-ing you can think of...  It may feel like through His silence God is saying "No" to your inner desires, and maybe He is; or, maybe the silence is an invitation to wait, perhaps an encouragement to continue doing what you're doing.  In any case, God's silence does not mean He is not speaking.  Take, for example, that friend or family member who can say a whole lot without ever opening their mouth... I think God responds this way sometimes too.

I've spent the past few years running the other direction from "some of" God (thinking I could compartmentalize God and keep the commands I liked, and explain away or discard the ones I didn't)...I knew my plan for my life could never be better than His...but He was just taking too darn long!  So, I took it upon myself to make my life happen...and it was working out "just fine" (when I lied to myself about it).  I knew...could FEEL that I was headed in the wrong direction with my choices...and friends and family told me as much...that I was changing.  Did I listen?  Do we ever when we think we know best?

Of course, things fell apart...a few times.  I cried...a lot.  I picked up the pieces of the glass castle I had built and I rebuilt it...each rebuilding shakier than the last.  I refused to look at the glaringly negative toxicness of my choices and the blatant corrective consequences God blessed me with.  Each castle-shattering breakdown sent me deeper into my own efforts and further from God.  I had twisted what I knew to be true of God into some ugly-pseudo-half-truths that fit my needs and I told myself I was content.  Reality was only clear in the aftermath of each time things fell apart when I would be granted a moment of clarity.  Each time clarity stayed a little longer (a few hours, a day, a week, a month) but I ran back into the ruble to rebuild each time, and it became comfortable.  The lies I was believing became my comfort.

God's silence helped me break free.

Before all my selfish efforts my relationship with God was maturing.  I would listen and He would speak.  My spirit rarely felt his silence.  It was when I stopped "hearing" his still small voice that I realized I was running my own show, and something needed to break the cycle.

Now, I look back over the past few years and see so clearly that I was running hard after SATAN's plan for my life (thinking it was God-approved).  It wasn't even what I wanted, yet I was chasing it all so hard.  I was believing the devil's lie that what I wanted in MY timing was right... I wasn't purposefully running from God, I was running TO Satan and losing the depth of my relationship with God in the process.  In God's silence He made me stop and really look.  What I saw was that Satan was battling so hard for my affections because he feared something I didn't recognize in myself...He knew (and is right to fear) that I have a calling on my life and that God will use me for His glory.  In that moment, in God's silence...when I stopped to quiet my own voice and truly LISTEN and WAIT for His, He healed my heart's blindness and I saw my choices for what they were...and my glass castle shattered for good this time...allowing me the space to yield to God so He could clear my efforts and rebuild something that would last on His foundation.

God's silence speaks volumes.  It can be painful and hard, but He will never leave or forsake you.  He is ALWAYS at your side, and He will be there to help you rebuild.  Trust Him.  His plan and His timing truly are best...sometimes we can't see that until we really let go of the idols we hold so dearly.  God's silence gives us pause to reflect and, if we need to, redirect our efforts.  To put Him at the center once more and clear away everything we have made in our own strength.

Easter

It's been a long time.  Two years almost since my last post, and for all this time there has been this persistent gnawing in the back of my mind...drawing me back...pulling me back...insisting that I have too long neglected my voice (however small its reach).  So, here we are.  Blank screen, blinking cursor, fingers to the keys...and a still small voice my heart and mind hush to hear.

Easter.

Yesterday was Good Friday.  Christ murdered.  Hung on a tree.  Bleeding and broken because of, in payment for our sin...MY sin...your sin.  All laid bare...so putrid and vile and disgusting that the Father turns His face away from His perfect sinless Son because He can no longer bear to look at the blemish, the defilement OUR sins have caused.  Jesus took it willingly.  Painfully.  So WE don't have to.

Silence.

Today...Saturday...nothing.  Nothing but the weeping, wailing, cries of mourning for the Savior who was supposed to win not die!  How could He!?  Where was the Savior NOW???  A people filled with sorrow, regret, bewilderment, unease...

...But God...

Sunday.  The stone is rolled away!  The Tomb Is Empty!  HE IS RISEN!  HE LIVES!!  HALLELUJAH!!!  Jesus is victorious!  He has done what He said he would do.  And now, our sin is washed away and no longer taints the view God has of us because He now views us through the lens of Jesus who was our sacrifice, our death, our price, our resurrection, out LIFE!  What wonderful news to spread through out the world!  Praise God He loves us enough to pursue us even to the cross...even through the pain of our every day...even through the struggles of our past and the trials yet to come.  Once we say yes to Jesus, He follows us through all of it...even when we run the other direction.  He is always right there with us to welcome us into open arms when we are ready to once again surrender to His will and purpose for our lives.

That, my friends, is what Easter means to me.  A beginning.  A renewal.  Life everlasting!  I took a wrong turn...Jesus was there the whole time...protecting me...guiding me even when I didn't want Him to.  Always right there with me, waiting for the moment I would stop trying to make it happen my way and allow Him to have reign over my life once more.  Easter begs us to remember who we are IN CHRIST.  Easter reminds us of our WORTH!  

Happy Easter!